Family Influences

Family Influences
Everybody has a family of some kind. Some are great. Some are challenging. It’s up to you how you accept their influences.
Each of us was born with a family of one type or another. If the family you got was loving and supportive, that is what you could handle. If the family you got was not loving and supportive, that is what you could handle. The designer of this universe would never be cruel enough to ask you to do something knowing you were not capable, so if you’ve got a load on your plate, it must be because you are capable of handling it.

Let’s talk family now. I have a concept of what family should be: these are the folks who know me, love me, accept me, are always supportive, applaud my successes, support me when I falter, adore my children, never criticize, look for ways to help me. Is that what your concept is? Now I wrote that sentence tongue in cheek because that is not what some families do. Many families are critical. Some are downright destructive.

What matters is what you do about the concept of family. Our initial relationship with our family is one of dependency. We are little kids and we are dependent on our parents for emotional, physical, spiritual and financial support. We need that. Unlike some of the wild critters, we are not born quite so self sufficient. We are not made to stand, walk, and nurse within hours of being born. We have families who help us to unfold the skills and strengths to eventually take care of ourselves.

Because of this early state of dependency, when we eventually strike out to assert our independency, our families take offense. They think we are not considerate or grateful for all they’ve done. They think they still have the vote for our lives and they are not shy at all about exercising their right to vote.

Developing a firm stand for ourselves as individuals with our families is one of life’s challenges. Each of us has a right to become who we think we should become, and no one has the right to interfere with that process. So they never do, right? Ha! You know they are in there meddling with that process frequently.

What to do? It’s an opportunity for you to exercise the strong voice of your own vote. In your life, your vote is the only one that counts. In your children’s life, you and your ex are the only ones who have a vote. If you’ve got a family who is highly skilled in sharing their opinion with you, you now have the opportunity to find your own words to get this message across "Thank you very much. I’ll be making the final decision." My virtual assistant told me that her father used to tell her "You listen to me and then you do as you damn well please." She always answered him "Yes, Dad, but I always consider what you say." It worked for her.

If you don’t see yourself as the end-of-the-road authority in your life, I suspect it is time for you to strengthen that role. Like an actor, study the dialog, practice in front of a mirror, have a friend read the lines with you. Do whatever it takes to get comfortable in this role before you have a chance to use your skills real time. When real time happens, you’ll be ready. Oh the first few times that you assert yourself, your listeners will more than likely be shocked. You’ve changed the pattern! You’re no longer their pawn. You’re becoming your own person. That is one of the gifts from divorce: you get to unfold a whole new sense about your Self and it’s always an improved model.

So be grateful that your family is there, running you through your paces. You are the authority in your life and the lives of your children. Your family had the opportunity to exercise this authority when they were the parents, and now it’s your turn to be l supportive as you see it. Keep firm convictions about the new role you are assuming. Be loving. Listen with attention. Know you’re capable And then do as you damn well please.
By Len Stauffenger
Published: 5/30/2008